Disaronno and Poutine

A = the guy I was seeing
E = my 7-year-old daughter

*Post picture is the view of a neighboring farm from my parents’ yard in Upstate New York, springtime.

This past weekend, A stayed with me. It was a good chance for us to talk and reconnect.

We got a bottle of Disaronno and got tipsy. We laughed, sang, and acted silly. It felt good to let the anxiety and stress slip away and just be present.

Before we drank, we went shopping for french fries, gravy, and cheese, and made big plates of poutine--A's favorite.

The first time we went away to Port Henry, in December, we drove up Witherbee Road and visited Lizzie's grave. He helped me find it, and we stood together, looking out at the view that her husband, Michael, chose for her headstone. I knew, on that trip, that I would write her story.

That night, we ordered poutine from Boyea's Grocery, and A surprised me with a bottle of Disaronno. We watched Ozark.

He woke me up at 2am just to say, "I love you." I told him, "For the longest time, I've dreamed about being somewhere, anywhere else, but I'm just so happy to be in this moment with you." Just to be present.

A always gifted me the best escapes. He was always my favorite adventurer (aside from E). He was fascinating, spiritual, and he had an interesting perspective on life.

I often wondered how he never had money, even after working for weeks, only to find out that he had given it away to people he felt needed it more than him. He'd live in a shelter if it meant that his friend had a car to drive.

I'd give him $20 for gas; he'd pay me back $40. I started to keep a jar of all the 'extra' money he gave me, over $350, and I gave it all back to him.

He used some of it for gas and food. The rest would be doled out, back to me, over the next few months, slipped into the back pocket of my jeans.

A big part of him is 'good people.'

But, when we saw the shooting star on April 23rd, I think I knew for certain then that our time together was over. Each shooting star, between when we first met and where we are now was like a parenthesis marking the beginning and end of a life phase. Our time was up.

After our poutine and Disaronno party this past weekend, I told him again that I need space, that we need to support each other as friends, that I'm investing too much time and energy into this relationship and that I don't see it being long-term until we both address the issues in our own lives.