...To be truly seen is the most intoxicating feeling. It's terrifying to feel so exposed and then exhilarating to feel stripped of every filter and still loved so intensely...
Yesterday was Sunday. My nephew and his girlfriend brought over their new puppy, and we had pizza for dinner.
I live for these days, laughing with family, welcoming a new little life into our circle. E is, of course, smitten with the puppy, and has begged me and M to get one, almost non-stop for the last 24 hours. Unfortunately (fortunately?), our apartment doesn't allow dogs. Besides, I don't have a good track record for keeping pets and plants alive.
[A moment of silence please for E's betta fish (Tebby) and my succulent garden.]
After everyone had eaten dinner and left, A stopped by to talk. It had been almost one week since our last argument. Everyone who knows about A asks why I keep circling back to him, why I let him in after he hurts me.
The answer is probably one of two things, or maybe a combination of both: 1) I'm not strong enough to set better boundaries, and 2) I see something in him that is so much what my soul is craving, so I circle back to number one. Rinse, repeat.
I just feel like he sees me. He always has. He recognizes my mood shifts and knows what I'm thinking before I say it. And to be truly seen is the most intoxicating feeling. It's terrifying to feel so exposed and then exhilarating to feel stripped of every filter and still loved so intensely.
"We could live together," he said.
"We'd kill each other," I replied.
"Stop... that's silly. We wouldn't kill each other... but we would, um..." he blushed.
And there's the problem. Our relationship has always been electric. Whether it's attraction or repulsion, kissing or yelling: it's intense.
"You need to work on your temper," I said.
"No, I just need space to get angry. I need... the woods."
Our eyes met. Without pausing to overthink or breathe, I said, "I'll give you the woods."
He met my gaze intensely but said, "You can't give me the woods."
"I will," I said.
"But I will."
"Shh," he said, "I have to give myself the woods. Then, you can walk in with me."
Today's Tarot card is the Wheel of Fortune (image from the Tarot Mucha deck). I set the intention that my daily card draws will reflect an important message for me and my readers.
The Wheel represents a big shift. It's card number 10 and about halfway between the 22 major-arcana (big-life-theme) cards. It comes after the Hermit (solitude and internal reflection). Sometimes the energy of this card feels like a leap of faith after a time of deep thought, or sometimes it simply manifests as a shift in the universe. Often, when that happens, you feel changes around you. People act differently. There's a strange full-moon-type energy. It'll be interesting to see how this energy plays out in my life today. I've absolutely been more contemplative and am ready to make some decisions about my life with exactly zero clues about the outcome.